Still Hard...

To this day, I still find it very hard to be around other children other than my own little Cindy.  I knew when I was diagnosed with Cancer that I would never be able to have any more children- and I was okay, still am okay with that. I have my little angel after all. She is the best daughter a mother could ever ask for.

But, still... I still find it hard to believe that I will never create another beautiful life like hers. And as much as I told myself in the past that I didn't want to have any more children, that I was okay with just the one, the truth is, that in the back of my mind I did want to have at least one more baby.  I still wanted to go through that amazing experience just one more time.

When I was pregnant with Cindy, it was the most beautiful and amazing experience of my life. She was like the text book pregnancy, everything about that time was just absolutely prefect. Even the birth was amazing. I cannot think of one negative thing about that time. I can't even say that I was in any pain... major discomfort, yes, but no real pain.

And now, when I see other babies, I get all emotional without even realizing it. I thought I was past this, but the fact is, that I am still having a hard time with it. Not that I feel any less of a woman, but I do feel somewhat empty. I shouldn't, really I shouldn't. I have everything that I have ever wanted and more. There's really nothing lacking in my life. But I miss that feeling- the one where you stare at yourself in wonder. The feeling that you get when you realized that you have another little life inside of you, so precious... so everything... it's just hard.

And I know that I still have other options out there for me. There's always adoption, but... still... how do I fill that void? Should I even feel that way? Is it wrong of me to feel that way? Is feeling that way make me a bad person? I hope not.

Maybe I'm just being selfish that way. I mean, I have a wonderful life already, I shouldn't be asking for more than what I have already been given. I suppose with time, I will learn cope a little better, but until then...

Current Mood: Sad

Beyond the Anniversary

I'm beat. It was a long day for me & the hubby. But we had fun. I really like my space, but every once in a while... I guess I'm more of the loner type & enjoy doing things by myself. But since yesterday was my wedding anniversary, I did need that human interaction. And it was well worth it. But, I'm so pooped still, got places to go and things to do...

I feel like doing something like rock climbing, base jumping or cliff diving. I should. And I think I will :D - Anyone interested in joining me?

Current Mood: Joy

Off to See the Doctor's

Well, I'm off to see my regular doctor now to get all my pre-op stuff out of the way for my surgery next week (nothing major!! Just getting my IV port o cath removed.)

Not too keen on getting it done, cuz yeah, the pain afterward is gonna be a bitch, but I suppose I can safely say that I've been through worse. I'm just a cry baby that way I suppose. I'll probably have to wear a sling or something.  On the bright side, at least my surgery was scheduled BEFORE my wedding anniversary (it's this Friday :D ) so at least that's good.

But first and foremost, before even thinking about setting foot at my doctor's office, I will go to California Pizza Kitchen for some yummy-nummy-nummy food.

Love, and all that jazz...

Current Mood: Devious

Thank you!

Thank you! Thank you everyone for all your support during these tough times. Love you all!

Last Chemotherapy Cycle

Today I completed my last chemotherapy cycle. I am incredibly relieved & incredibly nauseous.

For some reason, I have mixed feelings about it, but over all I am very happy to be able to close this chapter of my life and put this behind me.

Slowly, let me start fresh...

Chemotherapy Cycle #5

Greetings from Chemo-land! If I don't seem too happy it's because I'm NOT! D:

I'm almost at the home stretch and yet these chemotherapy cycles keep getting harder and harder to handle.

Also, I woke up on the right side of cranky today and I just don't feel like my normal quirky with the side of chirpyness today...

Bleh. (Can't you tell from my 'happy' no-nonsense state?)

Meh. I'm the youngest one here too and all my chemo buddies are snoozing it off, which is what I should be doing too. Maybe that will improve my mood. If anything it will make these next 5 hours more bearable.

What's happening... now?

Nothing new to report.  I'm actually feeling much better today than I have in a while.  I'm still trying to find a happy medium with my meds, but at least I got something that's working.

Work has been okay so far.  Everyone has been super understanding and I'm doing things at my own pace, which is nice.

I'm still feeling pretty tired though... this has been my hardest cycle yet.  Carlos has been doing everything, I almost feel bad.  He's been pulling double daddy/husband duties.  Don't know what I'd really do without him.

Hopefully I'll be feeling much better this weekend, cuz I gotta go buy a costume for the little one.  She wants to be Spongebob :D  - I still don't know what I'm gonna be, but what ever it is, it better be rocking!

Bleh. There's a pillow with my name on it and I can't wait to put my head to.  Nap it is.

*hearts*

Chemotherapy

So I finally started my chemotherapy yesterday.  It was some 4.5 hours, but it wasn't as bad as I thought it would be.  For the most part I was just cold and slightly queazy.  I did get more nauseous as I got home but I got some meds and ginger tea/candy helped bunches.

I haven't been eating as much... just can't stomach the thought.

Nurse told me that one of my chemo drugs (I take two) is the one that makes me crazy nauseous and that I will probably feel the side-effects for the next seven days -oh joy!- I said... "It can't be worse than having morning sickness all day."  It's not.  It's more annoying.


Had my second session  today.  It was only two hours.  Tomorrow is my last session (another two hours) and then I'm done for the  month.

I'll be going back October 6th for my second round of chemo.  Will probably lose my hair then... I'll be rocking though. I look good in any hair style and I always wondered if I had a pretty head.  I'll be sporting the baldie for a while but it will be much fun to play with.  Then I some new hair and I'm hoping its as pretty as my daughter's.

I will go back to work next week -thank GOD!- I'm not one to stay at home all the time and just do nothing productive.  Work will keep my mind off things.  So all it's all good.  Everyone there is understanding and I'm sure the change in atmosphere will do my soul some wonders.  I'm a little apprehensive though, since it's been a long while since I've worked, but I'm sure in a week or two it will be just like old times and I'll be kicking some major booty.  

Anyway... all in all, things are good.  Or as good as they are gonna get.  I'll take it one day at a time and see how I feel later on.

I'll keep you all's posted - XOXO

And life goes on...

I just wanted to say thank you to everyone for your support during this difficult time.  Truly, it means the world to me.

I know I haven't -blogged- about what's been going on (even though I have talked to some of you one-on-one), I just can't find the right words that could express what I've been thinking about lately.  I'm sure I'll be able to sort everything out in my head once this is all over, and I'll be able to share everything then.

Well, I am going in for surgery tomorrow morning and I'll be at the hospital all weekend.  If everything goes well, I should be back home by Monday.

One of my good friends will be updating my Facebook account and Twitter for me so that you all know what's going on with my recovery.  Heck, knowing how I am, I may ask for my iPhone right away so I can go 'live' straight from my hospital bed... :)

Hmmn... well, I'll be at Torrance Memorial Medical Center and for those who have my phone# you can text me and such... I'm sure my husband will text you back with the room number.

Anyway, thank you all again and wish me luck.

Love you all!

Today. Tomorrow. Always.

Today I found out that I have cancer.

I refuse to let this get me down.

I refuse to be scared.

I will beat this.

Inspiration has left the building...

I've been trying to figure out what to blog about these past few days, and I find that my inspiration has taken an extended vacation.  It never came back from Vegas (I was there in mid-March)... for all I know it's gambling all my good ideas away.

Wish it would come back though.  I haven't been able to write anything worth-a-lick.  It annoys me, because I was doing so well with my novel, and now... now inspiration has deserted me for the party/nightlife that is Vegas.

I wonder what I can do to bring it back.  I'm sure once it's had it's fill of booze, gambling and partying it will come crawling back to me.  I just hope it's soon.  So far, I've had some pretty boring and uneventful evening.

Maybe I should start posting some prompts, and writing some drabbles here and there.  Maybe that would get the creative juices flowing...  'Mo' (new favorite word!), I'll keep you posted kiddies.  Hopefully my MIA inspiration will return this weekend and we can get back to business.

<3

Wordpress/LiveJournal Cross Posts?

So I finally got around to to fixing the cross-posting feature on my personal blog and LiveJournal.  Now I won't have to go back and forth!!! No more missed posts, or blah blah stuff like that. 

I'm so excited.  I know- I know- it doesn't take much these days to make me happy.

On to life events...

So I've been playing Guitar Hero World Tour like crazy.  My little munchkin has gotten a real kick at watching mommy strum her stuff.  Its fun, but I think she just likes the noise though, and watching mommy make a fool of herself.  But it's hilarious to watch.  I still suck though, I just don't have enough time to play like I want to.  I'll never be any good at this rate.  I so wanna play against my friends online. HA!  [loves PS3 just for that reason].

Work has been hectic as always.  My desk is back to looking like national disaster zone.  At least I am not sick, like everyone else seems to be *knocks on wood*.  It's like bio-warfare here at the office.  Everyone's desk is a biohazard zone.

In other news, I did end up getting my 'WTF?' stamp.  HA!  Lots of people got a kick on that one.  Now, every time I get some B.S. document that makes no sense to me at all... I send it back with a 'WTF?' stamp.  Everyone wants one now.  I think I started a trend.

OMG!  And what's with everyone using 'meh' these days?  That's like my word!!!! LOLS!  I use that more than I really should.  I know it's not really a word and what not, but heck, it's fun to use when there is really no comment or I just feel like whatever.  And while we're on the subject of words... you should check out this post (Friday Fun Meme) on my blog.   It's a little word play deal.  It's fun.

Personal life has been good so far.  Health wise, it was a bad year for me last year.  I had to deal with a lot of issues that had set me back not only emotionally but also physically (damn that weight!), but after finishing physical therapy (not to mention countless chiropractor visits) I got the clear from my doctor to go back to the gym.  I start next week.  So I'm excited.  The people that are in the 'know' have been very supportive and I will forever be grateful to them.  Had to quit Japanese class unfortunately because of this, but I've been keeping up with it.  I got to Japanese Meetups and the whole nine!  Its really quite funny... yes indeedy.

I've been also hanging out a lot with my friends.  In fact, we went to a karaoke bar a while back, went ice skating (which I should have NEVER done), movies, bars, Hollywood, and this Friday my gal-friends and I are hosting a tea party/wine tasting/cheese tasting party.  Yes, I know, we are corny, but heck- it's fun.  We had a movie night last time, we had to do something different this time. (Dana-chan!  Frenchanine!  I love you :D)

So all and all, things have been good so far.  I guess I should have seen this post coming.  I didn't post anything for a while and I had been itching to talk about what had been going on in my life.  So there you have it folks.  That's my story...  so far.

<3

A Few Random Quotes

Here are a few radom quotes I found, they are meaningful... to me.

"Reasonable people adapt to the world. Unreasonable people persist in trying to adapt the world to themselves. Therefore, all progress depends on unreasonable people." --George Bernard Shaw

"Personally, I prefer a politician who is curious enough to have smoked pot and tried cocaine or LSD. It is a small mind indeed that's afraid to try something new or unknown."

"I don't know the secret of success, but the secret of failure is to try to please everybody." --Bill Cosby

"Great minds discuss ideas, average minds discuss events, small minds discuss people." --Admiral Hyman G. Rickover

"Work like you don't need money, Love like you've never been hurt, and Dance like no one's watching."

The last quote is the most meaningful to me, and I'll tell you why:

On work:  I work my ass off, and have some really, bad-blah-urk, and horrible days at work, but I can honestly say that I love my job... And yes, I could't tell you how much money I make an hour (or per year... you'll have to ask my husband that question), and I really forget when payday is cuz I hardly ever pay attention, and all of this because I love my job. I  love the people that I work with and my bosses are great people.  How many poeple can truly say they love their job?  And, seriously, the corporate world can be a harsh place at times, but heck, we have fun too. 

On love: Once upon a time I was young and naive.  I trusted blindly and I was insecure and I was hurt, not once but twice by people I loved.  I was betrayed by people who I considered my friends.  For a while there I had lost myself, I had become distant and a bit cold, but somehow I found my way back again.  I found that I could still love and that those who hurt me before weren't worth the trouble or my tears.  Love found me again, old wounds healed and the guy who had hurt me the most was able to mend the broken pieces of my heart somehow.  Maybe he was trying to find himself too.  I'm still somewhat naive, I'm a dork and I act like a teen (a very mature, cute and intelligent teen), but that's just part of who I am... my charm I guess.

On dancing?:  hey!  I'm young, and even if I was 90, I would still try and have fun.  I mean come one, I've only got one life to live here, why waste it when I can make wonderful memores for myself, family and friends?  HA!  Yeah yeah, we should all play Guitar Hero World tour together, you'll really see me getting jiggy with it... I'll show you my groove.  You'll like it.

[/ramble]

Sooooo Tired...

Today was just one of those days where I just feel like it's never gonna end... even now, that's like....12:21 in the fregging morning, the day still feels like it's never gonna end. I should probably be sleeping, but... bleh. I don't really feel like I can. It's just gonna be one of those weird nights again, I suppose.

Hmm.. maybe some music will help.

So Now That I'm A Blonde...

My hair requires extra... EXTRA care. I remember the first time I had it bleached, it totally freaked out on me. It was a sad, sad day. BUT! Thanks to my super-duper-cool hair stylist, we were able to repair the damage. Now my hair is healthy again!

Yay!

I can run my fingers through it, and it feels silky soft -grins- It's still very short (I cut it over the summer because, hello! California is always super hot in the summer), but I'm thinking about letting it grow out again. My husband want's me to dye it black once again, but bleh, what's the fun in black? Although, I do look kinda hot with black hair (JK).

If anything, I'll make it fun, maybe red, maybe low lights, maybe something totally crazy. I don't know yet.

Well, as for the reason for this post... for those of you girlies (and guy...ies?) out there who have had horrible experiences with bleach and refues to take the balding route, here's a few things you can do to repair your hair:

(Compliments of Karen Marie Shelton of Hair Boutique)

In A Mood...

I want to be remembered as the girl who always smiles even when her heart is broken, and the one who could always brighten up your day even if she couldn’t brighten up her own…

<3

Dinner With The Family

Here's the little one munching on some fries at Claim Jumper. Yum!

 

Hello world!

Wow... I've been MIA for so long I don't know where to start.  I've been so busy lately with life and such, I haven't had a chance to update anywhere. *sigh*

So what have I been up to?  Well, I guess I've been dealing with a little bit of everything.  I've been trying to focus on family life, mostly spend more time with my baby girl and my husband.  It's been really nice, and I can't wait for the holidays.  It's my favorite time of the year.