Still Hard...

To this day, I still find it very hard to be around other children other than my own little Cindy.  I knew when I was diagnosed with Cancer that I would never be able to have any more children- and I was okay, still am okay with that. I have my little angel after all. She is the best daughter a mother could ever ask for.

But, still... I still find it hard to believe that I will never create another beautiful life like hers. And as much as I told myself in the past that I didn't want to have any more children, that I was okay with just the one, the truth is, that in the back of my mind I did want to have at least one more baby.  I still wanted to go through that amazing experience just one more time.

When I was pregnant with Cindy, it was the most beautiful and amazing experience of my life. She was like the text book pregnancy, everything about that time was just absolutely prefect. Even the birth was amazing. I cannot think of one negative thing about that time. I can't even say that I was in any pain... major discomfort, yes, but no real pain.

And now, when I see other babies, I get all emotional without even realizing it. I thought I was past this, but the fact is, that I am still having a hard time with it. Not that I feel any less of a woman, but I do feel somewhat empty. I shouldn't, really I shouldn't. I have everything that I have ever wanted and more. There's really nothing lacking in my life. But I miss that feeling- the one where you stare at yourself in wonder. The feeling that you get when you realized that you have another little life inside of you, so precious... so everything... it's just hard.

And I know that I still have other options out there for me. There's always adoption, but... still... how do I fill that void? Should I even feel that way? Is it wrong of me to feel that way? Is feeling that way make me a bad person? I hope not.

Maybe I'm just being selfish that way. I mean, I have a wonderful life already, I shouldn't be asking for more than what I have already been given. I suppose with time, I will learn cope a little better, but until then...

Current Mood: Sad

What's happening... now?

Nothing new to report.  I'm actually feeling much better today than I have in a while.  I'm still trying to find a happy medium with my meds, but at least I got something that's working.

Work has been okay so far.  Everyone has been super understanding and I'm doing things at my own pace, which is nice.

I'm still feeling pretty tired though... this has been my hardest cycle yet.  Carlos has been doing everything, I almost feel bad.  He's been pulling double daddy/husband duties.  Don't know what I'd really do without him.

Hopefully I'll be feeling much better this weekend, cuz I gotta go buy a costume for the little one.  She wants to be Spongebob :D  - I still don't know what I'm gonna be, but what ever it is, it better be rocking!

Bleh. There's a pillow with my name on it and I can't wait to put my head to.  Nap it is.

*hearts*

Sleeping Angels

So the little munchking was being a sleepy head all day today and yesterday. I think she might be coming down with something. I don't want her getting sick.

Everyone at her school has come down with something or other... And she *just* got better from the flu. I don't want her getting sick again. She's already been sick 4 times this winter season.

Anyways. I just don't want her getting sick, yet again.

:(

Dinner With The Family

Here's the little one munching on some fries at Claim Jumper. Yum!

 

Blueberry girl

Here's a picture of the munchkin after eating some blueberries.

My husband thought it would be a great idea if he gave her the berries to calm her down a bit while we drove back home. I don't think he learned the lesson back when he thought giving her a yogurt in the car would be a good idea as well.

Cindy & Mommy!!

So I thought I could finally show you all my HAIR!!!! Yup! I'm a blondie :)

So I took my iPhone & took some pics of me and the munchkin :D *luvs her!*

Tell me what you think.