To this day, I still find it very hard to be around other children other than my own little Cindy. I knew when I was diagnosed with Cancer that I would never be able to have any more children- and I was okay, still am okay with that. I have my little angel after all. She is the best daughter a mother could ever ask for.
But, still... I still find it hard to believe that I will never create another beautiful life like hers. And as much as I told myself in the past that I didn't want to have any more children, that I was okay with just the one, the truth is, that in the back of my mind I did want to have at least one more baby. I still wanted to go through that amazing experience just one more time.
When I was pregnant with Cindy, it was the most beautiful and amazing experience of my life. She was like the text book pregnancy, everything about that time was just absolutely prefect. Even the birth was amazing. I cannot think of one negative thing about that time. I can't even say that I was in any pain... major discomfort, yes, but no real pain.
And now, when I see other babies, I get all emotional without even realizing it. I thought I was past this, but the fact is, that I am still having a hard time with it. Not that I feel any less of a woman, but I do feel somewhat empty. I shouldn't, really I shouldn't. I have everything that I have ever wanted and more. There's really nothing lacking in my life. But I miss that feeling- the one where you stare at yourself in wonder. The feeling that you get when you realized that you have another little life inside of you, so precious... so everything... it's just hard.
And I know that I still have other options out there for me. There's always adoption, but... still... how do I fill that void? Should I even feel that way? Is it wrong of me to feel that way? Is feeling that way make me a bad person? I hope not.
Maybe I'm just being selfish that way. I mean, I have a wonderful life already, I shouldn't be asking for more than what I have already been given. I suppose with time, I will learn cope a little better, but until then...
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